quiet still hesitant

I don’t know that feeling, when…

…when you meet someone new

today, last week, yesterday but they have been

there for years, for

ever

for so long that you can’t remember them

not being

but you’ve just met the corporeal version;

human v1.0…

not the imagined, visualized

fantasized, dreamt version

well

I met

so hello feeling…

and it’s a hard thing, it’s shaking my head

rubbing temples, closing

eyes and blinking

it’s wondering if this is what it means

to die…to see the thing I’ve

wanted

created

in those corners of my brain

I don’t even

have a name for…

is this

love?

is this real when what it is,

is too correct, too

right…

I want to yell, run

and scream down the wet street

all while

not moving

sitting waiting quiet still hesitant

for

the other

shoe

to

drop.

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In that moment


In that moment

that slight tiny little

moment that arrives

that alights on

skin, on the precipice

of beginnings, I am

watching you

through happy eyes

through mysterious

shadows…I see you

under folds, under white
linen, the warmth of meaning

like condensation

coats skin…from my

breath I am falling

toward you, toward

the moment when

we impact when

we entwine, hold our worlds
tightly together…

when the linen sheet

slides away falls from

skin from heights

from the moment

when, watching you becomes
everything

and almost everything

becomes you

in that moment

I am

.

Not me.

Turn the other…I’m trying to learn
how to love evil, to embrace
hate, to be that impossible person
smiling
accepting
being;
because we’re supposed to
be
(someone impossible
said once)…but…
there is so much beauty and
stupidly obvious goodness, so
much other
than hate/evil; it seems like
it is immaterial
unnecessary
needless unless we acknowledge
that we give a shit
but
I don’t
but…

I don’t want evil to exist
to flourish
to be in mind, head, soul
to be allowed
so I refuse to notice, to
mind, to care…to
allow
evil hate danger death corruption
a place inside, a warm spot, a
cozy alcove in my heart
I simply refuse
to be that
impossible person.

she, he, she, he

They amazed each other
in their own thoughts
feelings, but
without thinking, they
let a history of missing words
become
a complex, sad
enervating & unexpected thing
sliding
slowly
standing
between
them; a wall
glued together
with
words unsaid
with too many
thoughts unshared
she, he, she, he,
they breathed in disappointment
…his
…hers
like ground fog, kicked
up around restless
feet…it filled nostrils;
an acrid and stinging
rebuke—it was everything
nothing—it was what could be…
couldn’t be
dreamed
forgotten
he, she, he, she
and while they watched the moment
fall
they were it: the thing
that couldn’t
see
itself.

arc under linen

Sunday morning
and my eye
follows a curve under
striped linen, grey and white…
I feel the empty weight
of waking up, the small motions;
the rustle, barely heard
of hearts beating, lips,
our breathing and an
instant
of sadness, of longing for
the last dream
of living, loving, looking forward
and not back
…but…
she is there, the curve
the arc under linen, a
hip…an arm…
as sunlight filters though
intentionally
partially blocked
windows, the grayness
seeps away…from the room
from me
those curves, that hip
lips
all of her;
the dream can’t
compete.

What I See

This I know…

Reality is the same, regardless who experiences it. Your reality is exactly the same as my reality…but we see it differently because—within our conscious perception—we are looking through our own lenses. As we grow up, we go through many different experiences—benign, traumatic, amazing, awful, ecstatic, horrible, good and bad—and these experiences add distortions (scratches, smudge marks, fingerprints, etc.) to those lenses. When we think of what reality looks like, no matter that reality itself cannot change, what we see is definitely not the same reality that others see.

This is a problem.

Because each of our perceptions of reality is different, we have a fundamental barrier between all of us that prevents things like cooperation, sympathy, empathy….love. We strive for these things but are constantly battling a misalignment of language, of meaning. We talk past each other—continuing the strife and angst between us—thinking the reality we see is the same that they do. We are not aware that, while we simply see things differently, we are both still subject to actual reality.

And actual reality couldn’t give a fuck how we see it.

It is not easy understanding that we see reality differently therefore it is not easy to believe that reality is the same, regardless who we are. It is not easy to remove the distortions because we’re so used to them we cannot imagine another way of seeing. It is not easy but our shared future depends on it.

Knowing this allows us to realize that our essential purposes are exactly the same—to live, love and be loved—so our goal should be to work toward removing those distortions in the lenses through which we see reality. To, one by one, eliminate each distortion so that reality becomes clearer and clearer. It is by these actions that we will get clarity because with clarity comes understanding and with understanding comes cooperation…

…and love.

And that’s something we can all see.

Believe. Go. Do.

TrevorZen

NYE and YOU

At midnight…

…the crystal ball will drop in Times Square. Revelers around the world will straggle home, nod off, and greet the new year with a gritty dullness caused by sleep deprivation, over-stimulation and inebriation…OK, I’m talking about me specifically…but the behavior suggests that we give higher priority to the final few hours of the past than the first few hours of the future—perhaps because endings are more concrete than beginnings, and regrets sharper than resolutions. We see/feel/hear/know endings quite clearly—and painfully mostly—while resolutions are always ephemeral and ghost-like, until achieved at least, so we generally tell resolutions to fuck off.

But there is one resolution that you NEED to make: fall in love with yourself this year…

…I’m being heart attack serious here. Look in those dusty dark corners of your personal reality/soul/whatever you call that cavernous realm inside you and find all the evil-bad shit that you’ve been hoarding—yes, I said hoarding—for years. Drag all of the self-loathing, the destructive thoughts, the pain and the sadness, the disappointments and failures and just spill that shit out onto the front law so it’s in full antiseptic sunlight… then…

…just look at it—really fucking look at it this time…not the fake looking you do in therapy or when “confiding” to a friend; LOOK AT IT DAMMIT!—walk around it, grab it and hold it to see how much it weighs, examine the edges, notice the pitting and scarring from years of belief…TRULY see it for what it is…

…meaningless to anyone but you.

Only you care. Only you attach the negative and destructive effects that you’ve felt for all these years. Only you have made the choice that these horrible, utterly terrifying feelings have any weight, have any meaning whatsoever.

Only you care….so?

Make the other choice. Make the choice that they are nothing, that they are OK to feel…that you are OK to feel them. That you are no different than any other person, that you are allowed to have those feelings. That it’s natural and normal.

That you are normal.

You need no other person’s permission. You need no other person’s validation. You only need you. Seriously, just accept the shit out of yourself. Out of shape, messy, lazy, fat, skinny, forgetful, smelly, profane…what-the fuck-ever…love you for you.

You!

The only resolution that will ever mean anything is this: make the choice to you love yourself. To accept your imperfect life. To recognize that you are the same as every other human on the planet with faults and bad judgment, with mad successes and debilitating failures…because you deserve to love, you deserve to be loved…simply because you’re here.

So…just before midnight—wherever you are—when we’re all in the throes of creating that massive hangover known as New Year’s Day…I really want you to know that, regardless you making the resolution to love and accept yourself…

…I love and accept you, simply for being you.

Now fuck off, I have drinking to do.

Believe. Go. Do.

TrevorZen