She is Kaci

 

Years
the war raged, the sky grew
dark, our…
minds grew darker
success
failures, a back
and forth dance of…
–I can’t say it–
but
the battle ended a few
hours ago, there
wasn’t much to say, not
a lot of noise…the doctors walked
away
the nurses put away medical things,
straightened the bed sheets
plumped her
pillow
her tears were dry
eyes closed
where there was stress lining
her brow
it was gone, she
was gone…but
not…gone
in every mind, in every
memory
that was lucky, that was
joyously and
fucking privileged
to have been witness, to have
been a party to her
life
there she was, there
there
there
there
and
there
she is…
I was lucky, no I AM
goddamn lucky
that
there
she is.

A Thousand Thousand Times

The media gets paid by advertisers.

Advertisers make products and services they sell to the public.

The public consumes these products and services based almost wholly on the advertisers singular message; you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough…you are not…

…enough.

And this happens millions and millions of times a second all around the earth. This is the media’s business model and it is lucrative and hugely successful. The media truly believes in, and depends upon the adage “you are what you eat” so they feed us things that provides their clients the most bang for the buck.

Women are fed an impossible standard of health and beauty and encouraged to hate their own image because of it. Women are fed the lie, in thousands of different ways, that they are less than other women, that they need a man to validate them to be happy and, of course, they are fed the idea that they cannot possibly be happy without the products and services that their advertisers sell.

Men are fed an impossible standard of capability and encouraged to hate their own accomplishments because they can’t live up to the standard. Men are fed the lie that they can only be happy if they drive the right car, drink the right beer and have the right job…all externally supplied. They are fed the lie that emotion and feelings make them weak and unlovable.

And always, always, always there are mega corporations—the advertisers the media depends on—raining down products and services to “solve” these existential problems.

The media depends on us loathing ourselves and willingly making ourselves the psychic slaves of celebrities, movie and sport stars and really anyone they can exploit and manipulate in order to convince us that we suck, that we’re just pieces of shit and that–without their help–we deserve and will get nothing valuable and certainly never receive love from other humans.

All of this is complete and utter bullshit and the media is deathly afraid you’re going to find that out one day.

Today’s a good day.

Believe, Go. Do.
~TrevorZen

living motion

You can look in the mirror
and see nothing but…
see the things you’re told, the
ideas to have, the motions
to make…you can listen
to your own
words
and never recognize
your voice…but
you cannot ignore the facts
well, you can, but
the facts cannot ignore
you;
reality is unaware of what
you believe,
doesn’t care
it is quite happy to disregard
your every desire
your
every fear
it is content to never
acknowledge
you at all…but
reality knows that you are
enough
exactly the right proportion to be
you
with the tools and knowledge
to love
be loved
and it takes nothing of you
to listen
believe
to turn down the incessant
droning
buzzing
deafening
hum of others, of mouths, of
humanity
with their ideas
motions to make
when the singular motion you need
is living
from here
to
there.

A successful day

So this is the message I received from a woman I had written to on an online dating site:

“You seem interesting especially the art thing. My main prerequisite is that the person I’m involved with is a vegan. That’s my religion.”

My actual reply, done just now;

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. Once I hear that someone is a vegan I have a rush of sorrow that they are missing so much of the world and ostracizing themselves so unnecessarily thinking that they are actually making a difference or somehow making the universe a less vicious place. You’re not, by the way. You may think that 7 billion humans would hold sway on the state of the nature of the universe but, again, you’d be wrong…we are vastly outnumbered—on the order of trillions—by creatures great and small who obtain protein by eating other creatures.

Last time I saw, it was called “nature”…you might’ve heard of it.

Anyway, you seem amazing; intelligent and of course quite stunningly beautiful but your ideas of what you eat having such a huge and overshadowing effect on your ideology are simply and sorrowfully wrong. I don’t feel bad telling you this, someone should have years ago, but I do feel bad that you will take it as a spiteful and misogynistic message versus the helpful little note it’s meant as.

It’s not that vegan’s, on the whole, are literal pains in the ass and pontificating bores, they are, it’s because you’re so evidentially wrong that it’s amazing that you have the elemental basis for intellectual life. How do you make actual daily decisions if the one you tout as bordering on the religious is so demonstrably in error yet you keep prodding forward as if it is etched in stone?

I could go on and on about this but knowing how firmly entrenched you are in your religion I’ll choose better and more productive uses of my time…that said, however (and I’ll borrow for a moment the great tool of vegans; pedantic and ceaseless droning), I will end this little diatribe with some less harsh (?) words…the next time you introduce yourself to a possible companion or even a new friend, try something like “Hi, my name is (insert your own name of course); I like a healthy lifestyle, playing with puppies and long walks on the beach…what’s your name?”

The accusations of knowledgeably murdering other living creatures can wait to the second date, yes?”

Today is a success…so far.

So many

We have problems
from where we sit
in expensive (at least)
sounding places,
in comfort (we’re
not dead or dying) and holding
the best cards…but
is that enough to mean anything;
what do we do, for
instance
when, without being threatened
not from the TV
the grocery store
our friends…
but thousands of miles away
places never visited, never
heard smelled touched;
where other people
innocents
kids
are murdered gassed destroyed
for no reason other than
political
religious
muscle flexing
what is our response?
do we care
do we notice
do we
change the channel
to something a little more uplifting
safe
sane
is it not our fight
not
us…
is it madness bullying hegemony
the reactionary, the
distraction
to reply that it’s not right, it’s not
human
to kill so many so many so many
but then
then
then
what do we do?

Future Riches for sale…

Sigh…I actually just said that out loud…it’s Monday morning and I’m starting to feel better from a flu-like monstrosity that invaded me on Saturday morning and raged inside all day Sunday. I also just ended seeing a woman whom I really liked. The physical assault on my body by the viral assassins (of unknown origin) will fade relatively quickly while the mental echo’s of the woman I just broke up with will remain for quite a while.

I liked her very much. I could say VERY much…as her thoughts and ideas about life, art, living, etc. resonated with me at a molecular level…or so it felt…and we spent hours with each other at dinner, at bars and clubs…via text and on the phone (which, by the way, I detest…not talking to her, talking to anyone on the phone). I thought that there was something special there, something long sought and very rarely found; a connection.

I was right and wrong.

Everything was amazing when we were out and about in public places, on the phone even as much as it makes me uncomfortable, and definitely via text. It wasn’t until we were finally in private, when she came over for dinner, that I realized how divergent some of our most basic ideals were. It’s a long involved conversation but the specific and salient details were mostly centered around sex and emotions and the emotional investigation surrounding actions and reactions. While we were in agreement on the rough outlines of happiness, we were most decidedly not on the same page down in the details.

She told me that she had been hurt deeply in her marriage (long since passed) by his cheating and lying about affairs. This had a devastating effect on her self-image (both emotionally and physically) and kept her at arm’s length from others for a long time. Then, when she was back out in the mix, she almost replayed, frame by frame, the same scenario and outcome with someone she was dating.

I get that this had a lasting and deep effect…and likely something that will be dealt with for a long time. It made her views on sex almost inextricable from her views on love and emotion. She was highly suspect about men’s motivations and convinced herself that every man saw her in one way only; a sexual conquest and object to be used and rejected once done with. I totally understand that and I feel deeply for her, in all kinds of ways, but I also deeply understand that she is not someone I can be with.

And I feel just awful about it.

My own story, as messing and as complicated as hers, had to do with being in a loveless marriage at the end where sex was not even discussed let alone occurred. It has to do with understanding my internal requirements and seeing that love and sex were entirely different things. I was about sex being used as a behavior modifier and bribe in order to affect change. It was about sex becoming a detraction in a relationship…not the utterly amazing and intimate revelation that it can be.

I will never be in that situation again.

My views on sex, now, are so totally different than what they were when I was married because then I did not know I had a choice…that I could change how I saw sex; how I felt about it and how it affected me. The person I am now has set sex free from any regulated or accepted construction created by society in the sense that it is as important as touch, as smell and as sight, more so because it combines all of them.

But…sex is not love.

It is a component of love but it is not love and I simply refuse to become captive to that circuitous scenario of relying on one to prove the other. The idea that sex and love are mutual inclusive meaning that I must convince myself, like she has done and as society has helped her, that one cannot (or should not) exist without the other. I cannot (and will not) allow myself to fall in love without investigating and as deeply (as possible) understand the sexual component of a relationship because I have not done so in the past and it has never worked out. Once I’m in love, it becomes a very tough choice to leave a relationship if I find that I and she are not, after all, sexually compatible. It’s an internal argument I simply don’t want to have, as cowardly as that may sound.

I simply choose to not put myself in that position.

And I feel bad that I can’t be in a relationship with her because she cannot stop her internal battles from raging, she cannot divorce herself from emotions indelibly dyed by the hurt of traitorous deception. She cannot stop being herself…regardless that the “herself” at that moment would be quite different than the “herself” of the future.

My life is now, not the future…and I cannot ever go back to being a person that accepts the promise of future riches for the pain and sorrow of now.

I suppose

 

How much of our lives
is about finding
versus
missing something lost?
I don’t know,
I do know
that sometimes
what
I’ve lost
I never knew I had
until gone
until
a hole appeared
out of
nowhere…with
me looking down
wondering
um?
what?
and that is what
I found
today
when I woke up
even though I didn’t
know you
before;
never knew
a missing anything
…at all
I looked down
inside
and there was
nothing
where
I think
you are
supposed to be