a list of men in the NYC greater metro area

Here’s a list of men in the NYC greater metro area, in case you wondered.

First you have your garden variety “Schlub” who is generally a nice guy (can’t spell “gym” though) but has no ambition and while he does have a job (office drone, insurance salesman, etc.), he still lives with his mother and couldn’t make a decision to get out of a wet paper sack. He has no opinion, doesn’t care where you go or what you eat and usually is OK just sitting at home thinking of different ways to kill himself.

There is the “Man/Boy” (often mistaken for the Douchebag) who is generally good looking and knows what a free weight is but whose mental and emotionally maturity peaked in college and has not changed, nor will it likely ever, since then. Generally unemployed (unless it’s IT) he too lives with mom and dad and still hangs out with his friends playing Xbox, beer pong and doing keg stands. He cannot say vagina with a straight face and still plays pranks (generally hurtful ones) on his friends. He can be identified by the wispy beard, the ironic t-shirt and converse high tops as well as the fact that he’s likely fixing your computer.

The “Douchebag” comes in all sorts of varieties but is most often identified by his blatant misogyny and general disdain for women other than as places to put, into their various body openings, his (typically small) penis. The fact that a woman’s mouth and anus are preferred means of bodily entry means (we can only hope) that they don’t generally procreate. It is believed, however, that they spawn spontaneously when a critical mass of feces, steroids, hair gel and fake tanning spray are subjected to irradiation from a 7-11 burrito. This most often occurs at the Jersey shore.

The next on the list is the “Sports Guy” who, like the Schlub, is generally a nice guy but has little to say about himself or the world outside of sports teams. As infatuated with sports as he is, he doesn’t actually play any of them. He does not read (the paper, books, etc.) unless, again, it has something to do with sports. When he is with friends at the sports bar, women seemingly disappear as they cease being a part of any conversation. When not at the sports bar he is on the couch, wearing some form of sports jersey, watching sports.

Then there is the “Regular Guy” who, as the nomenclature suggest, is about as average as a guy can get. Medium height, medium build, he goes to the gym the average number of times a year. There is not much to say to further describe this creature except that he does live on his own, although sometimes with other Regular Guy roommates, and he usually remembers birthdays. He can be found milling about grocery stores, malls and un-trendy clubs.

The “Great Guy” is a prize catch as he is generally good looking, has a good job (with ambitions to succeed further) and reads something other than sports scores. He has seen the inside of more than one museum and he is able to talk intelligently about things other than himself. He generally likes women and can listen to them talk about things that matter to them. As of today, there are approximately 5 of these on the planet (the other 2.3 billion Great Guys are gay).

The “Amazing Guy” simply doesn’t exist so will not be described here. A reported sighting was documented in the late 1800’s but it was later revised down to Great Guy when it was discovered that he could not, in fact, walk on water.

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