The 7 Psychopaths…a review

So imagine that Quentin Tarantino is at a swag Hollywood party where he meets up with David Lynch. They start to drink straight bourbon and telling war stories about the movies they’ve made. This goes on to the wee hours and they both get so blotto that they end up in bed and have wild passionate sex. It’s found out later that David is the first male to get pregnant (figures, huh?) and it’s all over the news and he’s back, way back in the spotlight again (I mean, do YOU remember Twin Peaks?)

A baby boy–lets call him Benicio for laughs–is the progeny and for some reason, maybe gamma rays, his growth is meteoric and in a couple months the kid is roughly a physical 23 year old. The world is astounded, he goes on international tour and ends up Cannes during the film festival…where he meets and falls in love with Shannen Doherty (who’s playing a walk-on roll in a Clint Eastwood masterpiece). They get married in a whirlwind romance and within a month it’s announced that she is pregnant and expecting twins!

All goes according to plan, or at least what the PR flak has written for them, but when the babies are born it’s found that there has been some DNA contamination, possible alien, as the children, identival twins, are both born as Italian American hermaphrodites. Grand pop Tarantino is pleased but David Lynch is a bit peeved. Again the physical growth is amazing and soon the kids–Krillie and Krillo–are making the rounds of Oprah and Leno telling their life stories. One day, Krillie, the more feminine of the two spots Roberto Rodriguez in the audience and is immediately attracted to him. They make plans to meet later.

Krillo, jealous of the favors being bestowed by Krillie on Roberto, locks Krillie in the bacon smoker and goes off to meet with Roberto. In a fit of rage, Krillo, pretending to be Krillie, rapes and murders Roberto. It’s soon found out that Krillo is pregnant and hearing the news, Krillie commits suicide. A despondent Krillo goes into seclusion where amazingly enough just 5 months later gives birth to a healthy and normal looking boy.

The boy, tested to be a genius but bathed in the gene pool of his parents, his grandparents and all the fucked up shit in Hollywood, grows rapidly and starts writing scripts until finally one day, he writes and directs “The 7 Psychopaths” which I just saw and thought was fucking brilliant.

Definitely a movie you should see sober first, stoned second and possibly in a coma each time thereafter.

3 thumbs up!

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