Now that summer is looming on the horizon, I’m starting to see all the fad diets emerge as trending items. The ever present Green Juice Cleanse diet, the Dr. Oz Swimsuit Slimdown diet, the Abs Diet for Women, the F.A.S.T. Diet, the Fiber 35 Diet, the DASH Diet, the <add your own weird food/fruit/whatever> diet…

…and I felt left out.

So I did what any free-thinking, red-blooded internet troll would do (via a huge amount of deeply sourced and carefully researched “info spelunking” on the many storied interwebs) I made shit up. Here is…

…The TrevorZen 10 Step to Freedom Diet

1. First, you must envision a theoretically perfect—but realistically achievable—end-state of your physical self, such that your brain and imagination are primed and receptive to react positively toward the many painful and onerous activities and participatory actions you will be forcing your body to sustain and even thrive from when you imagine the many inches of your physical presence and ultimately the clothes sizes to be lost.

2. Put the doughnut down.

3. Place yourself in a deep and meditative trance such that you are at one with the universe and are significantly habituating the single “now” that is your unique manifestation on this plane…and put the goddamned doughnut down.

4. While still in this meditative stupor, push your mind into the deep past and let it recreate the sense of freedom and reverie you felt as a child, running on endless carpets of green, green grass, spinning sideways while staring at fluffly white clouds while feeling the ripple of summer’s sweet warm winds ruffle a shock of hair falling across your face…and get on the fucking treadmill.

5. Without the doughnut.

6. With your mind attuned to the feeling of a weightless and seemingly endless imagination you place a foot in front of the other, not contemplating the direction nor the destination, as there is one direction only and no destination but now, and push backward…pushing those thoughts of the previous you, the yesterday you, the you not-on-the-endless-and-repetitive-going-nowhere-roll-of-rubber-mat you deep into the inner recesses of your soul. Do the same with the other foot and then the other and then the other…

7. Repeat step 6 approximately 8,428,493,334 times…

8. …twice a day…

9. …until you die.

10. Once you achieve the sought after state of physical manifestation (your pants size goal) to finally complete the process and attain true freedom; deepen and broaden your meditation such that you manifestly increase your intrinsic internal awareness and keenly strict observance of the excruciating physical pain you’ve been routinely causing to diverse areas of your body…accept that sacred throbbing willingly and gladly while you access and envisage a future bereft of too-tight fitting clothes, being socially ostracized and, most importantly, the complete an utter absence of doughnuts.

Believe. Go. Do.


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