I Saw Me

In a vision had in the early morning hours from restless eyes staring out a window
drapes opened wide; out onto a dark world filled with silence, fear and pressure
I saw all the things that have caused me to be afraid, hesitant; looking up from below
now finally having the courage to confront, to look honestly and with all due measure

I saw me
simple, complete; alone

The universe was contained within the palm of my hand yet so big I could never imagine
the internal envelope that held all who I was and all I could have ever hoped to be
my mind raced and stretched; running to the far corners of knowing and understanding
my thoughts were but small bits of driftwood, pushed across the surface of an endless sea

I saw me
contained or opened; alone

The past stretched behind me; a highway across the desert with millions of turn-offs and side streets
I saw they all pointed toward me, past me and into the future where I knew I would be walking freely
I couldn’t help think that I was made of the roads, alleys and dark streets that I had walked upon
but I knew I was not, it was where I traveled only; they never had the power to create or influence me

I saw me
let go, held up; alone.

In a vision had in the early morning hours; I saw who I was, who I wasn’t, could be and never could
but did not see it all, could not see the edges where the light trailed off into mirrored distances
I could not see the complete machine, I thought, only a gear here and there, maybe a few switches
I knew what I was looking at, though, a life made up of more than a few missed chances

I saw me
lie, truth: alone.

What have I become, I thought…as I rolled ever and ever along that pock-marked path toward tomorrow?
Who is this contraption, clunky and mismatched with essential and emotional synthesis yet realized?
Why are the things that existed within my reach so far away from my grasp and specific understanding?
When will I have finished the journey or is that vicious trip especially made to only ever to be tried?

I saw me
questions, answers; alone.

Now I will soon sway toward reality thinking it is what it will always be…without mine or anyone’s’ help
a ship plying endless seas toward a horizon that connects into itself around and around
and the vision slowly fades into an encompassing grey that is warm and soft and close to breath
I open my eyes past the fantasy, past the insincere and past the many roadblocks I have found

I see the universe and I together
alone together
I feel good.

 

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