First Date; The Inexorable Push

 

It is an unwelcome sadness, a moment
an hour, forever and now…I felt
estranged from life, from the comings
and goings from the idea itself
I wanted to follow, wanted to see the
path forward…toward that ending
but couldn’t, my fault, my error, my
chemistry didn’t mix, didn’t connect
and I couldn’t command the essence
like I can’t divert the ocean the moon
the stars and yet there is a burning
motive an impetus toward something
that I am afraid I will never
understand.

We talked of comparison, of the never
ending push pressure force of life
quietly tightening against us, against
our skin…propelling us…that there are
choices and we do or don’t but the
inexorable push continues, bereft
of logic and without malice
we climb aboard or we are run
aground…knowing we cannot
be something we’re not…until
we redefine what “not” is, then, we again
are something…yet different…and
(not there) I have no frame to
reference

The ever knowing look, the crossed
arms, the waiting to end when the
beginning is just engaged, just there
and it is knowledge and annoying and
many many “and’s” after and after but
the drink the thought the music
conversation, a
pressing need to impress to caress the
discussion toward and forward and
ultimately end where fear designed
it to…a long look goodbye, a wondering
eye and the insight to never ever
know.

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