Got some sugar?

Us humans (I enjoin myself to that species merely as a guess) are a weird and screwed up group of animals. By natural chance we have the intellectual and physical facilities to speak and create communications—books and art and reality TV shows—that allow us to both cooperate with, and compete for, the attention of the community of other humans around us.

In short, we’re all attention whores looking for some sugar.

So when I see the various incarnations of “What <insert seemingly inane multiple choice category> are you?” floating around I know I shouldn’t be as surprised as I am. Things like “Which Beatle are you?” or, “Which female superhero are you?” or (my personal favorite) “Which stomach bacteria are you?” are all over the internet and flooding Facebook at a seemingly ever increasing pace.

Of course, all of these intensely researched and deeply studied visual and multiple choice quizzes—because apparently the 7 billion humans on the planet can be effectively categorized into less than 20 different selections—are authored by some insignificant intern on some half-famous website who will then be responsible for aligning our innate sense of self to the absolutely and stunningly correct character on Game of Thrones or the amazingly perfect choice of which Barbie we’re most like.

But, please, don’t get me wrong here, I know that it is absolutely important for all of us, for the fundamental good of society itself, to deeply understand exactly which minor celebrity on some forgotten television show we are the most like and to then immediately broadcast that revelation to everyone we know on every possible social network we can access.

Without this facility, mankind itself might perish from the face of the planet.

In fact, I am now so attuned to the vital nature and absolute necessity of filling out every single one of these asinine quizzes that I just finished the painstaking selection process on Buzzfeed for finding out exactly which internet-famous grumpy asshole I am most like.

Buzzfeed says I am most like me.

Go figure.

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