142 days

She walked away because I asked her to, the
pain seems greater when it’s
what was chosen, what seemed
inevitable but still…
…a choice…she was laughter, beauty and
kindness, weekends, some
weekdays, clothes in drawers, closets, white
linen covering naked skin, it was
magnificent glorious happy and as
we saw a small descent into autumn days,
the quickening of summer’s
end, she was tan skin and smiles that
stopped my heart for a beat…and
she was all I wanted, all
I could dream of but
like two spinning stars caught
in each other’s gravity well, we
could not hold the stasis, could not adjust
for each other…I loved—I
love—her but can’t be in love
with her; for months I tried
thinking who I was could be quelled,
quieted, quiesced …
but inner voices too loud too insistent too
strong toward a future I saw
falling apart
self-destructing as our orbits swung
dangerously close, as our
velocities away increased, as our inner
selves pushed forward into reality and became
who we are when
who we are, are the only truths
we know…she walked away
because I asked her to and held her goodbye
and cried in quiet darkness
feeling more alone than I could remember
and felt vindicated only
because she will be better eventually
being in love
and I’ll try
again
some
day.

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