In her eyes
I saw the words she would speak
in her shadow, her presence
the words would make me weep

… it is a dream of proportions
of meanings yet known
trying to wake to the daylight
as if trying to be reborn

we can only be the always
the ever growing and aware
as we try to speak the vision
cold and sadly, we don’t dare

In her eyes
I saw the words she would speak
in her shadow, her presence
all words to make me weepSee More

It was an awakening,
it was O, a beauty, a soul
a simple sliver of light
creating contrast, the
edge of darkness
as it slid to lightness,
as it divided,
a line with point to point
simplicity…I didn’t know
her, but
I knew her
like I know me
or wish I knew me
…I felt immediately
connected and apart
simultaneously
like salt in the ocean
in and of
and then
she was gone
too late my shadow fell
past where she was
I could only watch
only feel the connection
slip and disengage
an awakening lost, a
moment gone.

I am god, I am
death and the silent sky; drinking
stars like whiskey,
playing children’s games with
galaxies, singing songs of
distance and darkness, of eons and
an endless night…I am the beginning,
the end…I am the
everything
but with feet of clay
I am nothing, incomplete, I am man
reaching, searching for the edge of
knowing, being, seeing, believing—the
have-not’s and have’s—this living
without living,
this existing in crisis, these
prejudices
holding us, having us in place, in time,
we see them but do not see them
we want to not be them…so they say
it is our crisis,
a falling from a precipice, an
edge coming slowly
we don’t see it quickly; we
lose,
we don’t see it at all,
we lose…
I am god without hope
without reason
existing in the small bonds between
atoms, between people…this crisis is
spiritual, is holy,
is centered on
souls,
on chemical reactions, on synapses, on
dendrites, on the miniscule motion
of passing a thought from
nothing
to something…ideas of here and now
versus then and there, we try
fighting these destructive
preconceptions
because
they were never meant to hold,
not meant at all but there
they are, they
have become
us

Silent clouds slide
across a consciousness
bereft of purpose,
centered on the
idea of unthinking,
of deconstruction as
the first step
toward redemption, I
feel the motion,
the miniscule,
forgotten and move
my center…move
my ideas from
possible to unthinkable
…feel the movement
the static transformation
of a glorious
if forgotten past,
all toward, all
toward, all toward
an end unseen,
un-thought of in
these small and
wayward moments…slipping
like sand away,
away, away and
forever away from
who I am
from this moment
to the next
I breathe clouds
perspire sunlight and
dream a galaxy
into dark existence
and redemption for
all I am.

I can feel my feet
inside these shoes,
the skin on my
arms, the breath in
my lungs, I stretch
my thoughts
across time and
space looking for
the other half,
the remaining bit
that once sloughed off,
is forever missing
is forever gone…an
empty portal
leading to nowhere
meaning nothing
being the zero in my
empty, the one
so hard fought
so diligently denied
I watch the door
for a whisper
a shadow
a hand on the handle
as the sounds of
passing conversation
ebbing and flowing
as it ascends
and descends
with interest and
boredom I watch
the door
looking for solace
for compassion
for her to walk in
while waiters hurry
and kind, patient
and annoyed
ask again and again
but it’s just water
until the moment
until the heavens open
and the light
illuminates my loneliness
my hunger and
it is a bell
a small ringing of the door
and she is here
she is sitting
she is smiling
and that zero
that empty
that moment of doubt
and glory
it is gone
it is now and
she is here…
the waiter
is happy and,
dinner begins.

Pushing energy
so many pieces
of fruit across the
table, a universe
uncaring without
purpose vibrations
unfelt unseen I
cry with the heat
of shame with
the sense of doom
with the eyes of
a child I want
and want but
wanting is never
enough I cry
for the billions
dead the billions
missing the
billions yet
to know yet
to feel, the many
and the few

In my grief
I seek solace
I reach out
and return empty

Knowing the
universe has no
soul, no idea
who what where
we are and can
be…we make
believe, make
stories of gods
and demons
sight and seen
of killers and saviors
we try to match
what we see
with what we think
and it is lost
electromagnetism
without thought
without consciousness
our brains just
switches turning
on and off
in patterns, in
time we create
a meaning

In my grief
I seek solace
I reach out
and return empty

There is a price tag on love
I know, I saw it there
on the shelf at the drugstore
next to small fuzzy toys
red hearts on sticks, bags
of shiny confetti, I saw
that amazing, wonderful
thing packaged, contained
waiting to be consumed
articulated, bent, handled
delivered and destroyed
eventually…and I thought
about small children
in faraway places sitting
sleeping, standing starving
without mothers, hope
destiny and I thought of
broken people in hospitals
laid out, waiting to heal, to
die sometimes…alone
I thought of fathers missing
daughters, sons…mothers
sitting silent with their tears
a vast expanse of emptiness
like a gargantuan iron weight
slowly crushing them…and
I thought that the price
was cheap, that the cost
was meaningless if, only if
the love was transferred
translated, transfigured and
transported from where
it was born—a warm, pulsing
spot inside—to land on that
child, that mother, that
father, that broken body
and be the stone archway
the building that holds that
gargantuan iron weight
above and shelters us from
harm, from hurt, from having
no one reach out and touch
our battered bruised souls.

You hear the admonishment all the time about how you should stop living in the past, stop trying to remake past decisions, etc. but has anyone ever explained to you why this is such a bad idea? I didn’t think so…so let me be the first. For an example, let’s take a decision you might have made in the past that you now beat yourself up about…say the decision 20 years ago NOT to go to medical school…because you look at your friends who did go and they seem more successful, happy, etc. than you and, frankly, it pisses you off.

Now, I have no idea if you were or weren’t in this situation but it’s as good as any to use for explanation purposes.

First let’s talk about the whole “breaking the laws of physics” aspect of this exercise meaning that TIME TRAVEL IS NOT POSSIBLE so it is and always will be a mental workout only. But, for the sake of this argument, let’s suspend those rules for a second and talk about what might happen if you could go back in time to the exact moment that you made that decision.

Well, I think it’s quite plain to see that there’s been 20 years of living your life since then; successes and failures, learning and gaining knowledge and acquiring wisdom that can only come from the passage of time. Not to mention the explicit knowledge of making the decision itself. With that great depth of accumulated data you cannot re-make the decision in the exact same environment, you just can’t…you know too damn much now that you had no inkling of back then.

Let’s not even talk about cellphones or the internet, ok?

Now, we can take care of all of the knowledge and wisdom (we are bending space and time after all) so let’s say that not only are we sending you back in time, we are also wiping all memories going forward from the moment of the decision. We’re resetting the clock and that puts you exactly where? It puts you in the same place and at the same time as the decision but, MORE IMPORTANTLY, it leaves you with the exact same amount of experience, knowledge and wisdom that you had right up to that moment 20 years ago.

So what decision do you think you’ll (re)make?

That’s right, the exact same one you made before because without the benefit of the aggregate knowledge and experience you’ve gotten since then, you can only make the choice based on the knowledge and experience that you had at that exact moment. Nothing more, nothing less. Remaking past decisions is useless knowing that you made the best possible decision at the time…BEST POSSIBLE using the knowledge and experience that was available to you.

Get it? Get your head out of the past and into this moment…concentrate on the decisions you’re making today, right now.

Live in this moment.

Believe, Go. Do.

~TrevorZen

Sometimes life
is poetry;
the convergence
of effort and
imagination,
… sometimes this
alignment happens
without us,
without thought
…a random
juxtaposition
an errant proton,
a wild electron,
arranging, grabbing
connecting and making
everything slide
into place
and
work
just
right

A vast membrane
stretched across time
space and ourselves we
live below the line
hiding in gravity wells
unseeing we travel
unfeeling we live…
stretching toward
tomorrow but we
cannot know it’s effect
reaching up, past the
thin sheet above, we
feel for the infinite
pray for the unknown
a solution to an
understood emptiness
our souls balloon
outward toward what
is not us, looking
to capture divinity, to
touch god…we meet
near the middle but
feel lost, find nothing,
trust in dreams, we
flip switches and relays
attempting to replace
the myths we’ve
destroyed with our eyes
our ears, lips and fingers
satisfied with the empty
other side, we repeat
our creation, again and
again and again…
moving forward, poking
the stretched truth
reaching out for that
we cannot know
but will feel, with mind
with heart