It was casual at first, a glance a look a certain shake
of the head when laughing a way of saying of meaning
of walking without destination yet determined to get
there…he smiled and her world converged into that very
small place, where her soul never surfaced, never felt
daylight and she was happy for a while…for a minute but
she could not stop asking herself why and how.
Casual turned into familiar without notice, without
advertisement the bed became crowded nicely, became
half the space with twice the comfortable but the
questions were unmade like the bed as the casual
became the past without mourning the loss, without
observing the transition we created a pattern of
him and her, of she and he.
Familiar edged over into safe somewhere on the
path…settling like a dog walking around 3 times then
shifting haunches…and mornings were no longer new
no longer a surprise on the other side of eyelids
consumed by joint bank accounts that overtook personal
growth as learning was displaced by living…a simple
fact became the entire story.
Safe plodded past the 20’s and deep into the 30’s
while locations changed; a 4th floor walkup segued
to a 3 bedroom house somewhere far into Zombieland
where different became less, much less, than required
…became a beacon of conversation—none good—all
distracting to the routine to the get up and go; to the
pressure to compete for the best lawn.
Children appeared along the way with all that that
means with chocolate fingers with striking honesty with
moments growing into memories irrespective the
intent…and play dates became real dates became
college and lives apart while the safety of standing still
was no longer as clear, no longer belonged to
her lexicon, her perspective.
He no longer fit the mold cast so long ago, and
without changing he changed everything so standing-
sitting-being still became a labor an act of desperation
an act…period…while internal forgiveness went into
hiding while life was still filled to the brim, still moving
slowly toward the extinction of her soul, she opened her
eyes and saw herself clearly.
She told herself this story this journey this ending of
a beginning started long ago yet set to start tomorrow
as she too quickly maybe removed the impediments
constructed in that safe place on that best lawn, in
her time…majestically she destroyed her own world
knowing without a clear field without a life removed of
things there was no way forward.
It wasn’t casual it wasn’t safe it wasn’t familiar…it was
a yawning chasm of nothing, full of shadows and
sharp edges…she jumped when she let go; time
rolled away from her as her legs pumped, her feet
sought purchase among significant heart and soul ache
among confused friends…among a him and a them
left worried in Zombieland.
Shadows and sharp edges become casual and
familiar quite unlike herself she embraces and holds
close the idea that she believes herself to be, the
moment held constant by her resonance and her
desire toward an ending completely described within
her own mind…she was a person once, before, and
then a family…now she is a person again.