It is what we see when
we see ourselves, in the light
of doubts and dreams, of
troubled waters, we
see sorrow as a wave, as a
long and painful journey;
unrequested and
unknown—we
see ourselves without
seeing ourselves—
we are too close & too
far away from the truth
to see what is real
this outward spiral toward
something we barely
distinguish, a gravity drawing
us closer to the other side
of sadness and anger, the underside
of dark dreams…but;
what we know
IS NOT who we are,
IS NOT how we dream,
IS NOT the end of any story
recognizable
as who
we
are;
listening
watching
living…we absorb
receive
relate
as if it should be believed;
fact &
evidence…
…it is neither
it is what we see when
we see ourselves, in the light
of hopes and dreams, of
still waters, we
see love as a wave, as a
long and joyful journey
back to
who
we are.

I am a terrible liar, a kind of
missing puzzle piece lost
on my own, meaning I am
losing my place in
your memory…

It’s seems years
have gone by all
heartbeats and blinking
eyes like a thousand
single moments
glued together with
tears and hesitant
questions

… but I am not telling
you that, I am singing
you a song where
I don’t know the
words so making them up;
I tell you lies…not
that they sound good
to me, they don’t—but
they should—so I’ll keep singing
until you know that
I am lying…and then
I will have to start
telling myself the truth
because I already know
that I can’t sing.

Resentment only hurts you. It really doesn’t matter who you resent or what the resentment is about…what horrible, absurdly evil thing that was done against you…because the person you resent could not literally give a fuck. Your resentment exists wholly inside your head and it doesn’t have x-rays or laser beams it shoots off to hurt others.

It only hurts you.

Think about it; the longer you hold that resentment the more awful you feel about it…you turn it over and around in your head, looking at it in a million different ways, aghast that it was done to you—TO YOU!—but it can never be explained, never justified so it just lives there forever. Fucking you up, more and more, over and over while leaving the perpetrator completely unscathed…in fact, they are probably completely unaware of it.

How’s that working out for you?

So…let it go.

It’s not easy—really, what in life is?—but it’s imperative to your happiness so you will find a way. That what we humans do…we find a way for what is important to us. Of course, this doesn’t mean it never happened, that the other person is off the hook. It doesn’t absolve the other person, it doesn’t make them better or worse…it simply means that you decide that your life, your happiness and well-being is more important than the other person’s actions ever could be. And why not?

You are.

Believe. Go. Do.

~TrevorZen

She walked away because I asked her to, the
pain seems greater when it’s
what was chosen, what seemed
inevitable but still…
…a choice…she was laughter, beauty and
kindness, weekends, some
weekdays, clothes in drawers, closets, white
linen covering naked skin, it was
magnificent glorious happy and as
we saw a small descent into autumn days,
the quickening of summer’s
end, she was tan skin and smiles that
stopped my heart for a beat…and
she was all I wanted, all
I could dream of but
like two spinning stars caught
in each other’s gravity well, we
could not hold the stasis, could not adjust
for each other…I loved—I
love—her but can’t be in love
with her; for months I tried
thinking who I was could be quelled,
quieted, quiesced …
but inner voices too loud too insistent too
strong toward a future I saw
falling apart
self-destructing as our orbits swung
dangerously close, as our
velocities away increased, as our inner
selves pushed forward into reality and became
who we are when
who we are, are the only truths
we know…she walked away
because I asked her to and held her goodbye
and cried in quiet darkness
feeling more alone than I could remember
and felt vindicated only
because she will be better eventually
being in love
and I’ll try
again
some
day.

Standing between closed

elevator doors waiting for a

down version, the

33rd floor surrounds me, is

behind me…earphones are blue toothed

to my phone, they suffocate

sound, usually but…

…not now;

the music has stopped and nothing, I

hear nothing but…

I do, I hear

my heartbeat, a liquid bumping rush through veins

and I think, when was

the last time

I heard my heart,

and then—a flash and a bright pain—I

remembered that

it was a million years ago

this morning

when

I said goodbye to her

bounded by 11th avenue

west 30th and heartbreak, she

got into a yellow cab;

bags in back, a closing door and

I caught a glimpse of her

sandal, then

gone

the cab slid away into a herd

heading south and

now

I’m standing on the 33rd floor

waiting

listening to the heart

I never heard

until I herd her

say

my name the first time…and

then herd it

again

the last time

she

said it.

We have what
we have, regardless
we are aware or
know…we are born, we
live
we die all the while
having
being
living in the shell
of our
abilities, our
magnificent
perfections and our
dismal
failures.

We have all
the time to know, to
ignore
to pretend
that what we have
is not ours, is
not what we
are but
running away, hiding
is impossible
when who
we are is stapled
to us, is cemented
to our soul.

We have this moment,
the same one
we had at the very
beginning, the
same one
at
the ending; we
have what we have
regardless and
it is always
always
always
just
enough.

I become more than myself
when, with fear, with questions, with hesitation
I try to create
a new world life place time
and I am my own
father
seeking a new answer, a new
path, a new motivation
to breathe, to wonder, to
live
I transform the last question asked
into the next
moment of time…frozen
hanging as a dust mote, suspended
by trepidation but also
illuminated by the
light
of reason,
& truth…
I see who I am when
I cannot
see who I am:
a mirror held sideways, bent toward
the future, slightly skewed
toward the past, I see
myself now
through the eyes of all who know me
and I am amazed
ashamed grateful terrified happy and ultimately
here
and
now.

For years
I remember looking
at myself, my
life…the small and huge things
the microscopic, the
stellar
and seeing none of it clearly
I was too close, too
far away
too involved to see, too
apart to notice;
then
it
changed
because of another
human being…
someone who was
not me, not
my shadow, an
amazing & unannounced
beauty, a deeply
felt awakening
to
feel
love;
wholly unanticipated
and
suddenly
I could see me
a contrast, a
sharpness…what was unfocused
was then clear, what was too
close…unexpectedly
became
not nearly
close enough…and
in that refraction of sunlight
and dreams
I no longer
looked at myself
in order
to see
me.

I don’t know that feeling, when…

…when you meet someone new

today, last week, yesterday but they have been

there for years, for

ever

for so long that you can’t remember them

not being

but you’ve just met the corporeal version;

human v1.0…

not the imagined, visualized

fantasized, dreamt version

well

I met

so hello feeling…

and it’s a hard thing, it’s shaking my head

rubbing temples, closing

eyes and blinking

it’s wondering if this is what it means

to die…to see the thing I’ve

wanted

created

in those corners of my brain

I don’t even

have a name for…

is this

love?

is this real when what it is,

is too correct, too

right…

I want to yell, run

and scream down the wet street

all while

not moving

sitting waiting quiet still hesitant

for

the other

shoe

to

drop.

In that moment

that slight tiny little

moment that arrives

that alights on

skin, on the precipice

of beginnings, I am

watching you

through happy eyes

through mysterious

shadows…I see you

under folds, under white
linen, the warmth of meaning

like condensation

coats skin…from my

breath I am falling

toward you, toward

the moment when

we impact when

we entwine, hold our worlds
tightly together…

when the linen sheet

slides away falls from

skin from heights

from the moment

when, watching you becomes
everything

and almost everything

becomes you

in that moment

I am

.